The first thing to clarify is that trauma isn’t so much caused by the event itself, but rather by the meaning we attach to that event and the self-judgement we express in that moment. Of course, some experiences are potentially traumatic — more so than others — but it’s the negative self-judgements and limiting beliefs that determine whether something becomes a trauma, not the events themselves. Supporting this idea is the fact that two different people can react in completely opposite ways to the same potentially traumatic event.
For a breakup to become constructive — rather than destructive or simply pointless — we need to ask ourselves what unconscious drivers, beliefs, and self-image guided us in choosing that partner and in conducting the relationship.
Why did I choose that person? Why did they choose me? What do I truly want? And what about the other person? What are my beliefs about relationships, about love? Do I believe I am lovable? Worthy? Do I think love is accessible to me? Or do I believe I don’t deserve it, that things like that don’t happen to me, that love doesn’t exist, or that it only brings pain and trouble? What did I learn from my family of origin? Was I loved and taught to love unconditionally and with respect, or was I shown that love is sacrifice and full of compromise?
Accessing this information is essential for understanding the patterns we keep repeating — the beliefs that influence us without us even realising.
When things go wrong, or come to an end, what I often observe is a tendency to focus on the other person — watching their moves in an attempt to find the cause and the solution to the problem. This isn’t to say people don’t question themselves — they do — but often, instead of starting with themselves and addressing their own difficulties, they focus first on the other person and try to resolve the situation from the outside in.
Relationships are one area of our lives — and in a sense, they function just like every other. If we want to be successful and effective in our work but we’re struggling, then to resolve it we need to understand the root of the problem. It’s the same with relationships and with any aspect of our existence.
I believe that, like in many areas, romantic relationships suffer from an overwhelming number of stereotypes that poison the quality of our connections and significantly reduce the likelihood of having truly enriching experiences. I often hear people talk about misunderstandings, poor communication, and the need for compromise. I strongly disagree. I believe compromise is a serious issue. Entering a relationship with the mindset that compromise is inevitable means beginning something already prepared to give up parts of yourself for the sake of peace.
But what if, instead, we focused on getting to know ourselves, eliminating stereotypes and negative, limiting beliefs? What if we changed our relationship with ourselves and learned to love ourselves, so that we could love others unconditionally? What if we freed ourselves from the fear of rejection and approached others openly, not defensively?
Then we could choose a partner without the anxiety of needing it to work just because “the time has come to settle down” or because we’re afraid of being alone. We could express our full potential, in harmony with our true nature and sexuality — and so could the other person — and together we could see whether we are genuinely compatible, without forcing things, without settling. All the while knowing that every person who enters our life plays a role, and nothing is by chance.
When someone fully expresses who they are and grants the other person the same freedom — with open communication, sharing and support — then it becomes truly possible to explore compatibility. That’s when two people can grow and become something new together: a couple.
Many people believe that the moment of conception is when the sperm forcefully enters the egg. In reality, the egg begins a long, intricate dance, communicating with the sperm, exchanging essential information. Only after this “knowing” phase does the egg decide whether or not to let the sperm in. If the choice is yes, the sperm releases chemical signals that dissolve the egg’s protective barrier. Only then can the sperm enter, and the two unite to form a new cell. They no longer exist as separate elements, but as one.
It is in our very nature — and we should take inspiration from the egg and the sperm, who communicate to assess compatibility and who, by coming together, become something entirely new. In the same way, we too should communicate openly with our partners, set ego aside, and be truly together — to create something beautiful, fulfilling, and completely new.